Forgiveness | 5 Minute Video
We have all had times in our relationships when we hurt a loved one, or a loved one hurt us. That’s part of life. But not all of us know how to forgive, even when the other party has offered a sincere apology. In this Prager University course, UCLA psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer shares the three types of forgiveness–exoneration, forbearance, and release–and explains why anyone who wants to mend meaningful relationships must first understand forgiveness. Internalizing Dr. Marmer’s teaching can be an important first step, for many people, to keeping and fixing their most valued relationships.
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Script:
Anyone familiar with Italian opera or the plays of Shakespeare knows the terrible price paid for grudges, vendetta, and revenge. Under the sway of these emotions painful incidents linger in the mind, sapping our ability to find peace and happiness. The 18th century English poet, Alexander Pope, gave us the antidote: “ to err is human, to forgive divine.” But finding a way to forgive without giving up our principles is often no easy task. In this course, I am going to address what forgiveness is and how to implement it.
I’ll be speaking here about forgiveness where it most often is needed — in the context of your every day personal life with family members, friends, co-workers, and business associates.
One of our challenges in understanding this process is that the word — forgiveness — is inadequate to explain a very complex concept. Forgiveness actually embodies three different things, each of which applies to different situations and provides different results.
The three types of forgiveness are: exoneration, forbearance and release.
Let’s take each in turn.
Exoneration is the closest to what we usually think of when we say “forgiveness”. Exoneration is wiping the slate entirely clean and restoring a relationship to the full state of innocence it had before the harmful actions took place. There are three common situations in which exoneration applies.
The first takes place when you realize that the harmful action was a genuine accident for which no fault can be assigned.
The second is when the offender is a child or someone else who, for whatever reason, simply didn’t understand the hurt they were inflicting, and toward whom you have loving feelings.
The third situation occurs when the person who hurt you is truly sorry, takes full responsibility (without excuses) for what they did, asks forgiveness, and gives you confidence that they will not knowingly repeat their bad action in the future.
In all such situations it is essential to accept their apology and offer them the complete forgiveness of exoneration. You’ll feel better and so will the person who hurt you. In fact, not to offer forgiveness in these circumstances would be harmful to your own well-being. It might even suggest that there is something more wrong with you than with the person who caused you pain.
The second type of forgiveness I call “forbearance.” And here things get a little more complicated.
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WOW, what an ABRUPT ALGORITHM CHANGE from youtube – i've been subscribed to PragerU for many years and their videos have NEVER showed up on my front page as recommended. This one was at the top today. Someone from the inside is begging us to forgive them! To that poor person on the inside of Google I say: PRAY to G-D, there is only ONE who can forgive you! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!
How to release? I would like to but don't know how.
2:37 "I'm sorry but…" means "I'm not sorry because…"
When I was a child I had a verbally abusive relationship with my 21 year old half sister. Same mom different dad. She never abused me directly but see came with horror into our lives but I disd to forgive her when I became an adult but last time I saw so broke everything…. And I feel like I was a little girl again. So I thoug her out of my life but I still feel pain.
I still find this video to be one of the most useful, insightful tools on Forgiveness I've ever come across. Including Christian communities, academia, friendly conversations.
Grateful for Dr. Marmer and Prager U for creating/uploading this.
How is this even “Right-Wing”???
Wow. These videos are actually really good. 😅
Only when Trump's on Devil's Island with 350 starving monitor lizards
Forgiving those who hurt us predicates God forgiving us. Matt. 6:15 quotes Jesus as saying: "If you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." And Matthew 18:35 says: "so also my Father will do unto everyone of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." It is much easier to strike back when you are wronged than it is to forgive them.
Thank you for this wonderful video!
This is absolutely the best explanation on the subject of "Forgiveness" I've ever heard.
I have long believed that forgiving everyone and everything, as some religions seems to preach, is flawed.
Dr. Marmer's explanation on the subject I think is on the mark.
Thank you Dr. S. Marmer.
To be forgiven is also divine
Which video editing used in this video?
I've always said that one of the hardest, most difficult things to do in your whole life is to forgive, but you have to do it.
You must or you will suffer.
Bruce Hebel
no matter what you do, justice does nothing to bring you back what you once had
Best video I have seen on forgiveness. Thank you!
Forgiveness… in other words convert to Christianity OR ELSE…. So much for freedom of religion…
Wow . That was the best presentation on the topic of forgiveness that I have ever heard.
Forging someone who has extremely done you wrong, is easier said than done, let's get real. It is a cliche but true in a lot of cases. I have forgiven people who did me wrong but after forgiving them, I no longer have any contact with them. Not good but better than no forgiveness at all. If it is someone who is a friend of mine that has done me wrong, I am more likely to forgive them but never forget. Again, not good but better than no forgiveness at all. Thanks for the video.
This is a brilliantly articulated path toward self-healing after betrayal, hurt, or other trauma. As a therapist, I recommend it to anyone who has been scapegoated by family, for example.
Pricelss content. Thank God for PragerU
Wow you sound better than most preachers!!!
"Just release, just stop thinking about it" gee.. what useful advice 🙄
Good video.
6 May 2021
12:33am NZST
Sometimes, the best we can do is to forgive someone, but not forget. That means not putting ourselves in places where the former offender can hurt us again. We can still give them release, and even exoneration. Remember, Jesus told us to love our enemies, also.